X2H presents: The Worst Royal Rumble
by Xattu2Hottu
Summary: 50 wrestlers with bizarre gimmicks will square against 50 fictional characters which can be described as "unpopular" by many. Who will prove that he or she is the least bad characters of this bunch. Find out in this story! (Warning: Rated T for Violence, Swearing and bad writing. Don't say I didn't warn you)
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer Number Uno: I don't own nor claim to own any character which appears/will appear in this story. They belong to their respective authors and/or owners. Well… Even concept isn't mine, so I dunno what to worry about :P. I hope you'll enjoy.**

 **Disclaimer Number Zwei: This story doesn't have purpose to bash any writer, creator or even persons which perform their role. It's supposed to be interesting gimmick for mine lackluster story and to poke fun at ludicrous ideas in fiction and wrestling. I still hope you'll still enjoy it.**

 **Xattu2Hottu's out.**

* * *

Dark screen. On screen appears timer similar to those from old times, while movies where recorded at roll film. Five, four, three… There can be also heard a deep voice of narrator.

*Clearing of throat* _So far, annual year known as Royal Rumble, has been place of many wonderful events in our sport's history._

Two…

One…

 _Hard fought victories…_

There appears "old" footage of previous victors who went against all odds to achieve their dreams. Ric Flair in 1992, whom win vacated Championship, Shawn Michaels in both 1995 and 1996, when he went as a number one in both shows, and Rey Mysterio in 2006, while he dedicated it to memory of late Eddie Guererro.

 _…_ _and astonishing records._

Texas Rattlesnake is shown in his 3 victories at RR, Daniel Bryan fighting to stay in Greatest Royal Rumble and also Braun Strowman, Monster among Men, eliminating 13 men on the same show.

 _But Rumble isn't as grand as one might think. This is also showcase of failure and funny mistakes._

Film suddenly brakes, leaving nothing for a while. Now there's a modern footage of some interesting things. Like total catastrophe which was RR 1995 (Mantaur and other oddities). Santino Marella who has been undisputed champion in having the shortest time in match. And last, but not least, now famous slide of Titus O'Neil.

 _You may think. "Why are bringing this up in this package of Royal Rumble. Those are supposed to hype us not turn us away for this… And why are knowing what we are…" It's not important! We're doing this because we are going to do something completely different. Instant of celebrating what's good in this Battle Royal, we will focus on the bad aspect of this show. 50 wrestlers with bizarre, out-there and polarizing gimmicks…_

Now there are even footage out of WWE. We have Chris Je… I mean, Super Liger botching some moves. Then Blacktop Bully of WCW (in)fame brawling at the back of moving trailer. On the right side of screen appears "Swerve Man" Vince Russo rising WCW Heavyweight Championship, when on the left The Shockmaster crash trough the wall, tripping himself in process. Last, but not least, Double J, in his country singer gimmick, smashing guitar on somebody's skull.

 _…_ _Will face against 50 characters from fiction, whom can be described as controversial, to say at least._

Bendy… No, not that from horror indy game, but from Foster's Home for Imaginary Friends, doing mischievous things and blaming It on others. Then there's hyped Owen from Total Drama series, next Major Force, enemy of Captain Atom, stuffing another body in yet another fridge. Next in order is Big the Cat, fishing with his friend Frogie. Last, but not least, we can see Baldi, recent horror sensation, rooming corridors of his school, with cold look on his face.

 _Facing each other for a change to redeem themselves from obscurity and hatedom. Only tonight… In The Worst Royal Rumble…_

Logo of The Worst Royal Rumble slides down, in all their glory… Before it falls down and crashes into pieces.

 _Gene Okerlund: F**k it._

After this incident, camera pans to arena packed with some fans… Well, mostly these are homeless who were promised to have warmth and something to eat. There was also few true wrestling fans, but those are can be called truly committed to their hobby. Arena pans around to the entrance ramp, whose in look can be described as straight from "outlaw mudshow". Little right to ramp is also a announcer table. Behind those sits three persons: "Voice of WWE" Michael Cole, Nick Diamond of Celebrity Deathmatch fame, and professional child bully, Pyrocynical.

 _Michael Cole: Good evening ladies and gentlemen. Welcome to this unusual, some, like myself, shaddy place at The Worst Royal Rumble._

Cole said in his heel persona, already driving viewers (and some readers) mad at this choice.

 **Nick Diamond: Oh come one Cole. It's great step up from some of Celebrity Deathmatch revenues.**

 _MC: I'm sorry that I'm not used to be in such crappy place like you, Nick._

 _ **Pyrocynical: Come one guys! We didn't even begin video and you are already fighting… For f*oof*k sake. So mine name is Pyrocynical. There is Nick Diamond and this whining man is Michael Cole.**_

 _MC: Whining? I'm just stating obvious._

 **ND: Obvious my ass… Anyway, let's keep it professional. So today we can except a intense 100-man Royal Rumble. After all, there's big stake tonight.**

 _ **PC: Yeah, winning this match will make you somebody more famous than that stealing c*oof*t PewDiePie and redeem you from being hated by everyone… Maybe I should submit myself to it.**_

 _MC: To be eliminated few seconds in? Anyway, like those goofballs said, the stake is high. Never before has Royal Rumble has seen so many competitors in one match. This match will write your name in gold letters in history. How great it's that?!_

 **ND: That's the spirit Cole. Anyway, every participant have draft their number and there are only seconds before number one and number two will enter into ring.**

 _ **PC: The intensity of this crowd is of the charts… Just kidding, I feel like people are interested in this like mine fans in videos.**_

 _MC: Let's look at the ring where ring announcer will explain the rules..._

 _To be continued..._


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer: Well, it's classic one so I won't waste everyone's time. Characters appearing in this piece of fiction aren't mine property. They belong to their respective authors/companies or owners. Also, this fiction don't mean to bash those characters and gimmicks and those responsible for creating them, but to poke fun of sometimes ridiculous ideas of entertainment business.**

 **With that out of way, X2H shall bring to you first 5 contestants of this crapfest. Enjoy.**

* * *

And like on demand, when those three buffoons stopped arguing between each other, whole arena was filled with sound of sirens. Some homeless people started to panic and running away, thinking it was police coming for them. But it everything come to clean when few words were said:

"HOLLA! If ya hear me!"

From ramp was coming down one and only… The man from highly-educated university, Big Poppa Pump, Scott Steiner. He wasn't in his wrestling attire, but in tuxedo with ripped-off sleeves. (Of course, Genetic Freak need to show his muscles.) After some flexing he received mixed reactions from crowd. Then he climbed to the ring and screamed to crew member.

"GIVE ME A F! #ING MIC!"

 _ **Pyrocynical: And here goes our add revenue.**_

 _Michael Cole: What the? Scott Steiner? He's announcer?_

 **Nick Diamond: It seems so Cole.**

 _MC: This is absurd! He's bubbling steroidhead! How he can explain rules to those morons? It should be me who should say it!_

 _ **P: Come on Cole! He's charismatic as hell! Plus, everything he say can be turn later into funny meme. Sole of our internet culture…**_

 _MC: Shut up nerd._

After some straggle with microphone, crew member gave requested item to wrestler.

"Took you f***ing long enough!"

After those words "announcer" pushed guy from the ring.

"White trashes! Fatasses! And other idiots gathered here in this sh**ty arena, the following match will be…! R-royal Rumble? Who the f**k named it that way… Anyway, it's just battle royal with timer. Those fatasses who drew number one and two enter first and beat living s**t out of each other… But it will be boring, cause they are little b**ches! That's why I'm only announcing those stupid rules! Anyway… After 2 minutes another enters! Until everyone had their chance to prove something! Elimination is top rope, neck f*oof*ing broken on ground… Or feet? I don't fucking care. I'm done!"

After those rambling Poppa Pump throws mic on the ground, crushing this into pieces. Crowd somehow is fired up from this semi-intelligible rant from exiting Scott Steiner, who gives his Little Freaks few more flexes before disappearing in gorilla position.

 **ND: Well… That was something… Right guys.**

 _ **P: It make me want to GAME-END myself… Pure cancer.**_

 _MC: I gotta agree with this guy… That was most horrible thing to happen to this sport… And those IDIOTS! Brought it without thinking._

 **ND: Come on Cole. Try to be more positive about coming out wrestlers.**

 ***Cue Family Guy's Theme Song***

From side of the ramp emerges small cart in shape of ring, similar to those from Wrestlemania III, but ramshackle. On top of it stands **Mr. Herbert** , old pervert from Family Guy. Dressed in his classic robe and leaning on his walking frame, he was smiling and waving his hand non-a-less to spectators, whose gave him mostly positive reactions.

 _ **P: I think this oldie has gone lost…**_

 **ND: You are wrong. This is Mr. Herbert from Seth MacFarlane's cartoon, Family Guy. Maybe he's second plan character, but still he's decorated veteran of second world war.**

 _MC: You're forgetting that he is also a pedophile, stalking small boys and Chris Griffin._

 **ND: Nobody's perfect Cole…**

 _MC: What! You condom this... Perversion?!_

 **ND: Of course not! But his fictional character after all. His world didn't ostracized him for this, why should I?**

 _ **P: Are we going to ignore that this guy is too old for that? He's barely standing on his own.**_

Meanwhile card slowly rode down to ringside, because he wouldn't be able to climb himself. One of referees needed to pick him up and left him in ring… Because come on, he's walking on walking frame. He also can't bend himself. Anyway, he slowly walks trough ring, before throwing away rob… God! This old body!

 _MC: Jeezus! *Grabs bucket and barf*_

 _ **P: I NEED BLEACH TO MINE EYES!**_

Some fans also felt violated by this display of "courage"… Also there was laughs. After short silence, there came another music.

 ***Cue Looney Tunes' Original Theme***

After short moment of nothing happening on entrance ramp, suddenly there was someone shoved out of background. It was shy buzzard from classic cartoon, **Beaky Buzzard**. He looked around at small crowd and covered himself, being ashamed about so much attention.

 **ND: And here's the individual who drew number 2. Beaky Buzzard, young buzzard looking for something to eat for his mother.**

 _MC: W-w-what?! Hahaha!_ _Him? That's a rich! This sacredly cat! Hahaha!_

 _ **P: Yea! I have to agree with Cole! How that guy can do anything?! Even this old guy will have easy time with him.**_

 **ND: I wouldn't sell this bird short. Maybe he's shy, but have big heart and resilience to survive other 99 wrestlers.**

 _MC: Nah, I don't think so Nick. You're little delusional…_

Beaky decided to skip being watched by fans and flied straight to ring, gaining little reactions from fans. Mostly laughs and taunts. This take tool on young bird, because he turned red whole and started to cover in corner, saying something about being ashamed. With both contestants in the ring, one of referees give signal to start the match.

 _ **P: And here we go guys! We begin this s*oof*tfest. And that's all that matters! *With last words there is echo of woman's voice.**_

 **ND: What was that?**

Meanwhile, Beaky still stands in corned timidly hiding from everyone when Mr. Herbert starts to "charge" at youngster, intending to hit him. Here comes right hook… Really slowly. And nothing. Beaky doesn't even felt this hit. It was so slow and weak, that old pervert probably was hurt more by it than his opponent.

 _MC: Hahaha! Look at those old guy! His punches are so bad that Beaky doesn't even noticed it_

 **ND: Well, after all, Mr. Herbert is pass his prime.**

 _ **P: His prime!? He's in his 80s for God Sake. He'll hurt himself. Somebody should take him out of ring.**_

 _MC: Oh, he should better know before coming to wrestling ring. It isn't elderly pension!_

Meanwhile Beaky built enough courage to turn around and face his opponent… Whom was barely standing, nearly passing out. Then again buzzard was flustered.

"Ogh… No, no, no! Mine ma always told me to respect mine elders…"

"Fight me, dammit!"

Screamed old man before picking up his walking frame overhead intending to hit young bird… Before he was toppled by weight of this contraption.

"Augh! I'm fallen… And I can't get up!"

 _MC: Oh-mine-God! Just… I'm crying… This is outrageous! Never have I seen somebody so pathetic…_

 _ **P: This is great! Just old man falling for our amusement. This should… Replace this falling cat as meme.**_

 **ND: I feel like working with teens. Give this man some respect! He's veteran for goodness sake.**

Seeing this unfolding events, Beaky quickly went to Mr. Herbert and helped him get up from mat. After some struggling, Mr. Herbert was safely leaning on his frame once again.

"Thank you youngster…"

After those words there appeared clock on titantron counting from 10 to 0.

 _ **P: Already 2 minutes passed, well. There wasn't much wrestling, has it?**_

Some of attendance starts to count with clock, hoping for somebody to bring this show to second gear. With 0 there wasn't buzz, but guitar. Then come familiar voice.

"Ladies and gentleman. Elias."

From behind the curtain emerged man in scarf, with guitar. It was one and only "The Drifter", **Elias**. With smile and with microphone, he slowly walked down the ramp.

"Ladies and gentleman. Are you ready to Walk! With! Elias?!"

There was few fans screaming with him, but musician wasn't satisfied by those weak reaction.

"I said! Are you ready to Walk! With! Elias!?"

Screamed to mic once again, this time receiving bigger reactions from crowd. He looked around with disapproval.

"I should expect this from that trashy place. But anyway…"

He enters to the ring, continuing his monologue.

"… I will grace you guys with mine song…"

 _MC: What! First this mockery of wrestling, and now impromptu concert. In middle of event._

 **ND: You know how Elias is Cole. He's interesting individual with taste for some music.**

 _ **P: For his own music to be accurate. He would make great Youtuber. He has look, talent and enormous ego to back it up.**_

"Shut up guys! Anyway, like I said, even thought we have this unappreciated crowd, half-naked old man who barely can hold his frame and urine at the same time… And chicken to be cooked. So let me first just… Tune mine guitar first…"

After this request he get right away to tuning up, leaving everyone confused. Usually, Elias came in prepared… With other guitar… Suddenly Elias swings upward at Herbert, knocking old guy out of this ring and destroying guitar in process.

 **ND: Looks like Elias wasn't meaning his guitar, but Mr. Herbert's Chin.**

 ***Elimination #1: Mr. Herbert by Elias (2:48)**

 _ **P: That was lame joke. But still ancient guy is eliminated.**_

While referees helps him get up, Elias throws away broken decoy-guitar and charges and Beaky Buzzard, covering him with rain of fists. At first he try to fight back, but quickly get overpowered by knee to his gut. Next Elias does Vertical Suplex, then quickly runs to ropes, letting buzzard to get up, only to lay him down by Big Boot.

 _MC: What a combination of speed by Elias. He lays this timid bird down with authority._

 **ND: Yeah, maybe his tactics was little cheap, but I can't complain about its effects!**

Hurt bird once again tries to get up, only to be greeted by _Drift Away_ , laying him down for some moment. Right at time for another person to enter.

 _ **P: Looks like we have another person eager to enter the ring.**_

After this words Elias turns his sight at entrance ramp, waiting at another person which will be obstacle to claiming victory.

3…

2…

1…

*Buzz*

 ***Cue The Simpsons' Theme Song***

From behind emerges a yellow kid, sporting blue hair, glasses, white shirt and red shorts. It was Milhouse Van Houten, friend of Bart Simpson and general butt-monkey of series.

 _MC: Wait… Who is that kid!? I hope that he isn't from Make-a-Wish, cause he look sick._

 **ND: No Cole, it's Milhouse, friend of Bart Simpson from classic cartoon "The Simpsons". He looks like his fired up.**

 _ **P: That's explain his unhealthy skin color. He looks like Chinese kid… Minus those stupid hair. But how this kid will be any difference for Elias.**_

 **ND: Time will only tell Pyro.**

Meanwhile Milhouse dashed to the ring, trying to impress his love interest, Lisa Simpson, who sits in first row.

"It's going to end badly for Milhouse."

She only comments when camera pans at her. Anyway, after sliding into ring, kid doesn't stop to run, ducking under Elias incoming clothesline. He bounce of the rope. Same drifter. They run, and Milhouse use his head and hit man with Battering Ram. Musician only clutches his midsection, but still tries to attack boy. For his effort he once again meet another Battering Ram. And another, and forth one making him kneel. Then he's meet with dropkick right to the face. Feeling fired up, Milhouse climbs onto the turnbuckle, preparing something big.

"This is for you, my sweet Lisa!"

Boy screams, focusing on his sweetheart. It only makes some fans laugh and embarrass girl, while Beaky slowly stands up. He notice distracted boy and quickly flies to turnbuckle and shakes boy, making him fall crotch-first into cold steel of turnbuckle.

"Like I said"

Says girl, while Beacky jumps on boys shoulders and hits picture perfect Hurricanrana. Not being known for his resilience, son of Van Houten's family is out cold.

 **ND: What a exiting maneuver of Buzzard-Rana by Beaky.**

 _MC: First. That isn't name of the move. It isn't Celebrity Deathmatch where you can make up names of moves, and second, it's was luck of beginner._

Meanwhile in the ring Elias stands up and goes once again for Beaky, but shy bird jumps on ropes and springboards, trying to hit Moonsault. But Ellias intercept him, grabbing into powerslam position. But we have counter and bird turn it into Sunset Flip. Elias quickly gets up only to by beaked into abdomen by Beaky. Clutching hurt area, he opens himself for Leg Bulldog.

 _ **P: Elias looks like he's in bad position.**_

 _MC: Mostly because this flying rat cheating! He has wings, which gives him bigger advantage._

 **ND: Oh, give it a rest, will ya?**

Milhouse coming into senses. He tries to get up, but is meet with dropkick to the face, making him roll away. Timer appears once again.

 _MC: Another contestant is on the way. Who is he going to be?_

 **ND: Nobody knows…**

6…

5…

4…

Beaky and Elias looks at ramp…

2…

1…

*BUZZ*

 ***Cue Salvatore Sincere's Theme***

On ramp, followed by accordion music, appeared sleaze guy in white and violet trunks, jacket and hat. He quickly dashes to ring, discarding two pieces of clothing.

 _ **P: Wait… Who the hell is this guy?**_

 **ND: I don't have single clue…**

 _MC: It's Salvatore Sincere. Low level wrestler from 1996… He had few matches with likes of Undertaker, but he was quickly send to irrelevance by Marc Mero, calling him jobber._

 _ **P: That's explain everything.**_

While commentators were talking to each other, Sincere slides into the ring, going straight for buzzard. He extends hand to him, like in way to greet him, but Beaky become flustered. This gives Salvatore time to attack buzzard with knee to midsection, followed by Irish Whip. Meanwhile standing Elias goes for Milhouse, giving him few shots to head, before picking him up in body slam position, trying to throw him away. But kid has other idea. He hangs on for dear life, making hard for Elias to eliminate him.

 **ND: Looks like Milhouse still have some fight in him… He hangs for his dear life.**

 _MC: Come on Elias. He's child! You should eliminate him already._

 _ **P: We should be impartial.**_

 _MC: I'm impartial. I'm just stating the facts._

Meanwhile Salvatore hits Back Elbow to Beaky's beak. He tries to go then for Sidewalk Slam, but mommy's bird beaks him to side, letting him go. Milhouse meanwhile kicks Elias into face, also freeing himself. But quickly is brought to mat once again by slap from Drifter. It's followed by Knee Drop. On the other side of ring Beaky tries to go for Suplex, but wings and feathers aren't that great for lifting, so Salvatore quickly goes into counterattack, hitting Suplex on his own.

Elias once again goes for elimination, this time Milhouse clings on bottom rope. Few kicks are made here by musician before he's join by Sincere. They struggle to take out small guy while another person is ready to enter.

 **ND: It's time to found out who's going to enter with number six.**

 _MC: Let's hope that someone who has actually talent. Like Miz…_

 _ **P: So you say Miz is bad wrestler…**_

 _MC: NO! I just want him to see, showing this morons who's the greatest wrestler on whole known planet._

While Michael starts to work himself over man of his dreams, timer reaches zero with loud buzz…

 _To be continued…_

* * *

 **So here we have it folk. First chapter with fight in it and first person to be eliminated. But there are few questions. Who will enter first? Will Milhouse hang on? Who will walk with Elias? We will find out in next chapter.**

* * *

 **Few stats:**

 **People who had entered: 5**

 **Remaining contestants in ring: Beaky Buzzard, Elias, Milhouse Van Houten, Salvatore Sincere.**

 **Eliminations:**

 **Mr. Herbert; Eliminated by Elias (2:48)**

 **Longest in ring: Beaky Buzzard (8:00)**

 **Most Eliminations: Elias (1)**

* * *

 **Tune up for next episode. X2H Out!**


End file.
